Good
by potterwriter340237
Summary: "Still have to do number 10, the final cry, come on it's your last chance to let it all out." 3x11 Missing Moment


**AN: This is right after episode eleven and that Nick and Andy Scene in the parking lot. Missing scene.**

"_Still have to do number 10, the final cry, come on it's your last chance to let it all out." _

"_What if I don't need it?"_

"_You sure about that?"_

"_Yeah…I think I'm good."_

"_Well then congratulations you graduate!"_

* * *

She wasn't good.

Andy made it three blocks, with the diploma clenched in her hand till she felt the familiar burn in her eyes. A feeling she had come accustomed to more times than she would have liked in the last month.

Five blocks until the tears start, hot and fast down her cheeks.

Six blocks until she needs to sit down at a bus stop because her chest is heaving so hard and she can barely see due to the way tears have blurred her vision.

"I, Andy McNally, am a kick ass person and just because my relationship failed, doesn't mean I'm a failure."

_Bull shit._

She repeats the mantra in her head, but it sounds so stupid now, it was funny before, saying it with Nick because it was easier to laugh about the whole situation then cry. It was easier to wipe the floor with Chris in a game of one on one than to lie in bed with the blinds closed till 1pm. It was easier to be angry then sad.

Andy, as much as she stressed it to Chris, didn't have a choice between falling apart or keep moving. No, with Sam that was never an option. He seemed to have wormed his grumpy, sarcastic way into becoming a part of her, and without him everything was going to pieces.

There's a large part of her that also constantly reminds that dwelling on another failed relationship (the only one that's really ever mattered) is so selfish and petty of her compared to what her friend have and are going through.

Sam and her had maintained a careful distance from each other, and Andy felt like it was two years ago all over again; too many things unsaid, reading into brief glances and slight touches.

And as much as she hated herself for just hoping that Sam would turn around and just talk to her (fight for her) she desperately took it as a sign that he hadn't asked for his keys back. That Jerry's death had shaken something in Sam, but he needed time and space to deal with it on his own. And eventually he would make his way back to her.

For the first time today, he actually sought her out, and it isn't until he asks for his keys back, disappointment and hurt settling thick in her stomach, does she realize she was hopeful to begin with.

When everything hit the fan with Luke, she wanted to cry, and hit something, and play basketball and be angry. And it all helped, in some small way, each step made her that much closer to being over it.

But nothing is working.

Not even that damn stupid book.

Don't see your ex for 60 days.  
Former training officer, partner and current coworker scratches that one off the list. The tension seems to constantly follow her around because he's everywhere; the parade room, the streets, the Penny. It's frustrating and exhausting and she has no idea what to do about it.

Find a Break-up Buddy.  
Nick was funny and sweet and took her mind off of it for the day. He was a welcome change to Chris's concerned looks and Dov's terrible rebound advice.

The Good Riddance List.

Nick had mentioned selfish, but Andy knows Sam certainly has flaws but selfishness has never been one of them. He was selfless to a fault; putting his happiness, desires and even his life on the line to protect those he cared about and loved.

_Stubborn _(but so was she, that was what worked wasn't it? That they had both found someone that was finally willing to go toe to toe with them?)

_Overbearing_ (There when it matters.)  
_Insensitive_(Often but not always, and those moments of surprising deep sensitivity made her rate race and her breath catch.)

Never told her how he felt…

That was the kicker. Because at times she thought she knew exactly what he was thinking, exactly how he felt about her. The certainty of it made Andy rarely even think about needing verbal confirmation.

It was the little things; letting her drive or the way he had kissed her, heated, rough and eager like he had been waiting to be able to all day. There was countless times when he would look at her and she just _knew_.

She thought, that for once, Andy McNally, allergic to silence, had found someone she didn't require all the reassurance and words from because she got him. And then out of nowhere, after nearly a year together, after promises and assurances… he breaks up with her. Leaving her heart broken in the god damn parking lot of the Penny, in the god damn rain, to pick up the pieces.  
_  
_All she can think about is his words repeating over and over in her head, a dull painful hammer at her heart.

_"This is my feeling in my gut, right now, alright? I can't do this anymore."  
_

She had always had a gut feeling he loved her.

Clearly she had been wrong.

The tears aren't stopping and it's maddening, because it seems the harder she tries to stop the more come. They were inexhaustible.

At least she was doing one thing right, "the final cry," check mark. Once she realizes they aren't going to stop anytime soon she collects her bag from the cold ground and makes the rest of the way home to her empty apartment. There's a box of Sam's things on her kitchen table that she couldn't bring herself to return to him, not when she thought that there was still a chance. That the ignored phone calls and lack of any emotion was due to grief not disinterest. That he loved her and he was being so _Sam Swarek_ about it all; but in every single case before he had always _come back._

There when it mattered.

Pouring a glass of wine and snuggling into her bed the tears slowly start to ebb leaving her completely exhausted. About to drift off, an idea forces her from her warm bed.

Grabbing the pink book from her bag she tosses it into the garbage bin along with the diploma. She certainly hasn't "passed" and she realizes that no how-to guide is going to help tell her how to get over Sam Swarek, if there had been such a book that could help to decipher and figure him out she would have invested long ago.

What the worst thing is, the most painful, heartbreaking pathetic issue of it all, is that despite all the tips and tricks into fixing a broken heart, she knows that the only thing that will fix hers is Sam.

The only thing that will stop this ache in her chest is him wrapping her up in his strong arms, and reassuring her that everything would be okay. His steady smile, his dark warm eyes and the comforting smell of leather, soap and _Sam_. His terrible jokes that still always make her laugh, his sleepy hoarse voice in the mornings and his affectionate manner outside of work. The way he would always find a way to be touching her; a gentle hand to her back, holding her hand or the not so innocent ways that was constantly accompanied with a dimpled irresistible smirk.

The fact that this would be the only remedy to her broken heart and with the return of a set of keys and a few callous words it seemed very likely that he was gone for good.

And that's when the tears start again.

Number Eleven…The final _final_ cry.

* * *

Let me know what you think! Be kind and leave a review! I've got some more half finished Rookie Blue fics and would love to know if you all were interested in reading them!

Miranda


End file.
